You know you've got an eating problem when
- You spend the last $8 in your pocket on as many 50 cent legs as it will buy.
- You know that Zingers are a better deal than Ding Dongs by .25 oz in the vending machine.
- You profess your love for salt.
- To back up that love, you (on a dare) eat an entire salt packet straight (but vow to never do that again!)
- To further cement that love, you dip fries in salt instead of ketchup.
- To save you from a love gone wrong, your wife tapes shut 2/3 of the holes in the salt shaker from the inside with clear tape.
- And you catch on after 2 meals.
- You buy an entire roasted chicken there (for $5) and eat 2/3 for lunch because you don't like the regular Sam's Club menu.
- You buy "value" boxes of Snickers (48/box) and Ding Dongs (24/box) from Sam's Club and keep them in your desk.
- You eat a donut from a 11/12ths full box of donuts left BY (not in) the trash receptical on another floor at work.
- You bring a 10 gallon Rubbermaid container to "Bring Your Own Container "day at the local movie theater and have it filled with popcorn for $.53…and don't even see a movie. Done at least 5 times.
- You like your mashed potatoes with a very yellow, buttery tint.
- You like to drink pickle juice and the leftover liquid from green beens, onions, and bacon grease.
- You consider some foods as "vehicles" for condoments:
- Tomatoes --> salt
- French Fries --> salt
- Bread --> butter
- Lettuce --> ranch salad dressing
- Corn on the Cob --> butter and salt
- Crackers --> butter and salt
- Special instructions: dip the cracker in a tub of butter, use your tongue to spread said butter uniformly, salt then eat.
- You think that the pig is the perfect animal to eat.
- You eat at KFC for the skin.
Added by the lunch crew (within 5 minutes of seeing the above list):
- You get excited when certain people go to lunch with you that you know will not finish their meal, and they offer the rest to you.
- You get excited at Wendy’s because they have bigger ketchup containers.
- You call dibs on the Krispy Kreme box after it is empty of donuts to pick at the frosting stuck in the bottom of it.
- You at 100 shrimp during Shrimp Fest at Red Lobster… for lunch.
- You suspect you were the reason that the "all-you-can-eat" soup bars in town are no longer "all-you-can-eat".
- You post the rules and records for the IFOCE (Internation Federation of Competitive Eating) outside your cube.
- You consider a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies one serving.
- You were miserable eating 3 big slices of pizza, yet still found room for an ice cream cone.
- You email Hardees to thank them when they went back to promoting burgers.
- You frequent McDonalds enough to feel obligated to give the help Christmas gift cards.
To quote the Captain from The Simpsons: "He's more beast than man".
I guess the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem…
